started wiriting a book read the first two chapters tell me wat u think then list sum action i can use, plz ty?

after reading can some one please list a couple of challenges they faced through high school when being the new girl or any drama that i could maybe use please and thanks:

Chapter 1: Ugh plz tell me why am I here!
Ashlee sat in the silently freezing cold math classroom wrapped up in her wool BGBC cardigan resting her head on the smooth wooden desk in boredom after hearing Ms. Mac go on and on about her lecture about not being late to class Ashlee tried her best to tune her out even though it was basically all her fault they was getting yelled at. But you couldn’t exactly blame it on all her. I mean give her a break when it’s your first week of a new school (boarding school at that) and it’s so huge that you actually get lost on campus of course you’ll be late to class! Well not exactly thirty minuets tardy like Ashlee but lets just say not on time.
See. Ashlee didn’t really care to be here even though she was going to one of the best school in the entire nation she could careless. After her father caught her coming home at three in the morning barely able to walk because of all the alcohol she had at the senior party her parents made her leave their mansion back in California to attend Hilton Square boarding school and boy was she pissed. Cali was her life. Her friends, pink convertible mustang, and shopping spree down Hollywood blvd. She doesn’t have a clue on how she’s going to survive here on campus in New York. Gosh it was a whole different environment! In California Ashlee could go to the beach and lay out to tan when ever she felt but it’s like impossible to do that here with all the snow and not a single beach around. And don’t even mention social life!
In California Ashlee was you typical rich, blonde, beauty. A popular preppy girl you get me? She was so well known that even though she’s only a freshmen she got invited to upper classmen parties every weekend. Here she refused to even say hi to anyone because she assumed they’re all stuck up…like she isn’t. Her mom and Dad spoiled her with anything she wanted, she only wear designer clothes, and wasn’t friend with anyone who’s daddy didn’t have a wealthy bank account…like that isn’t snooty, but not only is she refusing to talk to anyone at H.S.B.S she’s also rejecting her mom and dad phone calls. After basically ruining her teenager years she maybe she’s over reacting but doesn’t even want to speak to them…point blank!
Chapter 2: What she doesn’t need
“Finally out of that classroom of pure hell.” Ashlee sighed to herself while walking down the freakishly empty spacious hallway with the nice glass like pattern tile floors that made a loud thump noise from her slouching in her Ugg boots.
“Hey Ashlee! Ashlee Monroe wait up!” A voice called from behind. Who could that be Ashlee pondered not remembering if she knew anyone with a English Accent. She slowly turned around with her straight blonde hair following flipping from one side of her shoulder to the other. “Uh… Do I know you?” Ashlee questioned when the handsome brown straight hair but yet a messy cute look to it finally caught up to her.
“I’m Jay. Jay Channing.” The tall slender boy with the dreamy brown eyes put his hand out for Ashlee to shake it. Instead Ashlee wrapping both of her arms around her heavy school books squeezing them tightly as an excuse to shake them. She didn’t find it being cold, she just hope he got the picture that she didn’t want to be bothered.
“Well Jay Channing, your name and face doesn’t ring a bell.” Ashlee sternly stated before trying to walk away. Jay jerked his head back in confession of why Ashlee pushed him off, most girls would have flirted with him instantly he was the hottest guy at H.S.B.S and had never been turned away. He quickly gripped Ashlee hand to where she couldn’t get way as she was wanted. She puffed while turning back around to face him with a what-the-hell-do-you-want expression on her, which Jay think is cute face. “Yeah I’m sure me and a hundred of other student on campus that you aren’t familiar with, that’s why Ms. Aide wanted me to be your mentor and escort for this week or at least until your comfortable with this school.”
“My mentor?”
“Yeah you know showing you to you classes, helping you with work-”
“I get the point I’m not stupid you know? But I don’t need a guidance or adviser and all that unnecessary stuff so just tell Ms. Aide I said no thanks.”
“Well if you ever need help with anything just call me.”
“Okay will do.” Ashlee precisely made a u turn hoping Jay wasn’t following her.
“Wait! You don’t even know my number!” Jay yelled before Ashlee could exit the school.
“My cell isn‘t on me!” Ashlee shrugged her shoulder with a smirk before opening the front door and skipping out. Jay stood in the hallway rubbing his hairy chin feeling drover than ever. “Was my hair too greasy, did I have something in my teeth, was I musty?” Jay sniffed his armpits but all he smelt was fresh axe. “Why did she

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to started wiriting a book read the first two chapters tell me wat u think then list sum action i can use, plz ty?

  1. threethings says:

    well you need to eliminate the text talk

  2. Holly J says:

    I think i would like it better if it was in first person. But, it seems like you have a pretty good story going for you. Keep up the good work 🙂

  3. livelovelaugh says:

    i read a little bit of it and got interested, but it was hard to ignore the first senctence. It ran on forever. I can tell you like to write, but just be careful you don’t have too many of those. Fix those and you’ll be on you way to good grammar for your book.

  4. Sivvus says:

    Try some punctuation. If you have a long sentence and don’t want to overwork the common comma, try using semicolons; even subdividing it into shorter sentences will help.

    People might also be more inclined to read something that you wrote if you don’t address the question in chatspeak. Unless it’s a stylistic ploy, naturally. 😉

  5. X Cokabella X says:

    Your first sentence is a bit too long and sometimes rhetorical questions can be a bit annoying, an example, ‘a popular preppy girl, you get me?’. Hope this helped (Y) 😀

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *